At our daughter’s recent award assembly, the school principal addressed the topic of ‘Growth Mindset’. She noted how education was more than merely preparing students for exams and aiming for maximum marks on their university entrance ranking. In a country where we have national examinations of all school children every two years from the age of seven, this is a somewhat radical position. The education system has always had its critics, ...

I have a confession to make. I’m a ‘marriage junkie’. Before I go any further let me warn you: this is a blast from the past in more ways than one. You see, I have written about this before, and I wish I could say I am getting better, but it is not the case. So why am I a marriage junkie and what exactly is a “Marriage Junkie?” Maybe it’s ...

A new book from Richard V. Reeves is winning widespread applause for offering hope to men in a post-feminist world. Released in September, ‘Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it, the father, author, and British-American expat argues for a fundamental shift in the societal attitude towards masculinity. The Guardian highlighted two of Reeves’ major points, first congratulating the author ...

‘Shhhh… not in front of the kids!’ We’ve all been there: In the car with a captive audience… or at the dinner table. An argument erupts and the question is: do you save it for later? Or just let it all out in front of the kids? Studies conducted at the University of Rochester, NY, found that it’s okay for your kids to see you argue, as long you work it ...

No matter how easy it may seem to fall in love, staying in love requires attention and effort. We all start out in marriage bright in hope and full of brimming love. Yet rarely do those wonderful, euphoric experiences of early love persist unabated; for many of us, disillusionment creeps its way into our consciousness as our natural selfishness and thoughtlessness crowd out our earlier bliss-generated generosity. With crushing realisation, we ...

There’s a curious thing that happens when a divorce touches a community. Where once parents, friends and siblings believed in the power of love and the permanency of marriage, confidence gives way to cynicism and uncertainty. Instead of believing that children do best when living in the same home with both their parents, we find ourselves saying: “The most important thing is that they know they are loved by both their ...

We remember sitting with a young couple who were locked in combat. She was prone to reactive outbursts and he was mystified as to what he was doing to trigger it. As we probed her about her family of origin, the penny dropped: she was repeating a relationship pattern that she had established with her mother. With this new insight, the couple was able to identify her conflict preconditions which equipped ...

In the age of instant news, judgment falls hastily. In marriage also, we are often quick to judge each other. Like most couples, over thirty-plus years of marriage, we’ve had quite a few misunderstandings. Sadly, many of these escalated to painful arguments where hurtful things were said, and our unity was damaged. The reason? We were too quick to judge. In almost every instance, one or both of us made a ...

There’s an old adage in the world of parenting advice: Kids spell LOVE as T.I.M.E. Kids don’t need things nearly much as they need a parent’s attention and availability. It’s a classic mistake that we make all too often; we give them stuff we’ve bought instead of the thing they most need from us — our interest and investment in them. Or we do things for them instead of with them ...

Lots of people think that dating (and being sexually intimate) with a number of different people before marriage is an essential part of forming a successful union. But is this kind of  ‘experience’ the best way to prepare for marriage? A lot of people think that having a few failed relationships is helpful in preparing them for marriage. Some even go so far as seeing the first marriage itself as a ...

I read a blog post recently from a husband who brought his marriage back from the brink with this one simple, daily habit. Each morning he asked his wife: how can I make your day better? The wife was suspicious at first and deliberately gave him tedious and demanding tasks, like cleaning out the garage, a task that took many hours to complete and which required him to cancel an engagement. ...

Crammed schedules, kids to care for, a demanding boss, the ever-present television. No wonder our attentiveness to our couple relationship erodes over time, leaving us with less connection, less spark, and less intimacy. Without an active, intentional mindset, most contemporary marriages end up on ‘autopilot’. During courtship, our relationship is central in our awareness and the rest of our lives are in the background. We sink huge amounts of time and ...

Routines can be very useful in keeping our lives purposeful and organised. Rituals are like routines with one important difference — they have positive emotional meaning. Rituals connect us with others by providing a focus or activity that enables us to interact together in an enjoyable and meaningful way. Almost anything can become a ritual when we make the relationship the focus. For example, some couples check in with each other ...

In a culture that glorifies youth and sanctions the euthanising of the sick and elderly, it’s easy to lose sight of the gift of seniors. Here are three ways that senior couples make marriage better for all of us. Earlier this year, Pope Francis released a series of homilies on the elderly. Each one explores a theme based on a significant figure in the scriptures, including Naomi, Joachim and Anne, Simeon ...

Generally speaking, learning the fine art of apologising is a life skill we all must learn. The health of our relationships pivots on humility, as much as they do honesty. Child therapist Meri Wallace, writing in Psychology Today, echoed this sentiment, stating that an apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. ‘It shows,’ Wallace affirmed, ‘that mums and dads care enough to take responsibility for their negative actions and make ...

While much in the way of traditional gender roles has shifted in modern times, most women I know still want a man who can be the rock in the relationship. But just what does being the rock entail? I asked this question in the Community, and this is what a few of the men had to say: Jamie said: “To me, that means being mature, guided by reason and my family’s best ...

Dads set the tone and build the context for relationships in their home. Father’s Day is a good opportunity to reflect this tone back by making the day one for food, family, and festivity. Report after report, study after study, and testimony after testimony, repeatedly tell society that dads live out an indispensable role in the life, health, and evolution of the man for woman, woman for man family unit. (See ...

Marital health is about more than minimising conflict. If we want to go from ‘good’ to ‘better’, we need to capitalise on the positives. Most marriage counselling and education focuses on conflict and incompatibility. It seeks to help couples find constructive ways of dealing with challenges in the relationship. It’s a ‘damage control’ approach that seeks to minimise the impact of negative experiences. Conflict management and relationship repair are important skills ...

The “no-fault” divorce revolution that spread across the Western world was led in the 1970s by members of the cultural, academic, legal and political elites, in particular by radical feminists who made the case for easy divorce as a means of women’s liberation. By declaring marriage to be an oppressive institution, they demanded “no fault” as a means of allowing wives to escape marriage and achieve a “right of exit”. Although ...

You can’t love what you don’t know. This saying has profoundly influenced our marriage and our faith. About once a decade, we book tickets to the opera in the expectation of a romantic date night brimming with artistic delight. We have to confess though, we usually come home vaguely disappointed. Not being particularly musical, we don’t understand the technical expertise. Nor do we know the traditions and history (or often the ...