My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said ‘Just wait’. – Judy Tenuta

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Brombeck

Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.  – Gerald Barzan

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant — and let the air out of the tires. – Dorothy Parker

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.  – Jean Kerr

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. – Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner

Motherhood is like Albania – you can’t trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there. – Marni Jackson

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: “Take it or leave it”. ~ Buddy Hackett

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma Bombeck

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. – Mark Twain

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it. – Marcelene Cox

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother’s Day. – Sam Ewing

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.  – Jean Kerr

The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother–which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician. – Sidney J. Harris

Motherhood is a wonderful thing – what a pity to waste it on children.  – Judith Pugh

The story of a mother’s life: Trapped between a scream and a hug. – Cathy Guisewite, “Like Mother, Like Daughter”

No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.  – Amy Leslie

My mother could make anybody feel guilty — she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know. – Joan Rivers

Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.  – Lionel Kauffman

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process. – John Fitzgerald Kennedy

The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed. – Author Unknown

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx

I know how to do anything – I’m a Mom. – Roseanne Barr

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. –  Peter De Vries

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. – Mae Maloo

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. – Florida Scott-Maxwell

Those who say they “Sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.  – A new mother

One time I ran out of the store and took the bus home by myself after my mother asked a salesclerk where the ‘underpants’ counter was. Everyone in the store heard her. I had no choice. – Phyllis Theroux

You have a wonderful child. Then, when he’s 13, gremlins carry him away and leave in his place a stranger who gives you not a moment’s peace… You have to hang in there, because two or three years later, the gremlins will return your child, and he will be wonderful again. – Jill Eikenberg

A sweater is a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly. – Barbara Johnson

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent. – Barbara Ehrenreich

Do not, on a rainy day ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching. – Fran Lebowitz

This would be a better world for children if parents had to eat the spinach. – Groucho Marx

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. – Judith Martin

Never raise your hand to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce! – Mark Twain

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. – Sam Levenson

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.  – Phyllis Diller

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. – Lawrence Housman

Tired mothers find that spanking takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of the memory. – Will Durant

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. – Author Unknown

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. – Marilyn Penland

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. – John Wilmot

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.  – Haim Ginott

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. – William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949

The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. – John J. Plomp

Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying.  (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud “snort” noises.)  I don’t know why parents don’t do this more often.  Usually it makes the kid laugh.  Sometimes it sends him into shock.  Either way it quiets him down.  If you’re a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage.  Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won’t have his friends hanging around your house all the time.  – P.J. O’Rourke

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. – Ambrose Bierce

Who is getting more pleasure from this rocking – the baby or me? – Nancy Thayer



24 Things My Mother Taught Me –  

  1. To Appreciate a Job Well Done – “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  2. Religion – “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  3. Time Travel – “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  4. Logic – “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  5. More Logic – “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  6. Foresight – “Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
  7. Irony – “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  8. Osmosis – “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  9. Contortionism – “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”
  10. Stamina – “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone …”
  11. Weather – “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  12. Hypocrisy – “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  13. The Circle of Life – “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  14. Envy – “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world, who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  15. Anticipation – “Just wait until we get home.”
  16. Receiving – “You are going to get it when you get home!”
  17. Medical Science – “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
  18. ESP – “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  19. Humour – “When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me.”
  20. How to Become an Adult – “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  21. Genetics – “You’re just like your father.”
  22. Climate Control – “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  23. Wisdom – “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  24. Justice – “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”