Mums
My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said ‘Just wait’. – Judy Tenuta
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Brombeck
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too. – Gerald Barzan
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant — and let the air out of the tires. – Dorothy Parker
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. – Jean Kerr
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. – Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner
Motherhood is like Albania – you can’t trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there. – Marni Jackson
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: “Take it or leave it”. ~ Buddy Hackett
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma Bombeck
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. – Mark Twain
A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it. – Marcelene Cox
When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother’s Day. – Sam Ewing
Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it. – Jean Kerr
The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother–which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician. – Sidney J. Harris
Motherhood is a wonderful thing – what a pity to waste it on children. – Judith Pugh
The story of a mother’s life: Trapped between a scream and a hug. – Cathy Guisewite, “Like Mother, Like Daughter”
No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant. – Amy Leslie
My mother could make anybody feel guilty — she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know. – Joan Rivers
Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too. – Lionel Kauffman
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process. – John Fitzgerald Kennedy
The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed. – Author Unknown
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx
I know how to do anything – I’m a Mom. – Roseanne Barr
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. – Peter De Vries
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. – Mae Maloo
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. – Florida Scott-Maxwell
Those who say they “Sleep like a baby” haven’t got one. – A new mother
One time I ran out of the store and took the bus home by myself after my mother asked a salesclerk where the ‘underpants’ counter was. Everyone in the store heard her. I had no choice. – Phyllis Theroux
You have a wonderful child. Then, when he’s 13, gremlins carry him away and leave in his place a stranger who gives you not a moment’s peace… You have to hang in there, because two or three years later, the gremlins will return your child, and he will be wonderful again. – Jill Eikenberg
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly. – Barbara Johnson
Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent. – Barbara Ehrenreich
Do not, on a rainy day ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching. – Fran Lebowitz
This would be a better world for children if parents had to eat the spinach. – Groucho Marx
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. – Judith Martin
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce! – Mark Twain
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. – Sam Levenson
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. – Phyllis Diller
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. – Lawrence Housman
Tired mothers find that spanking takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of the memory. – Will Durant
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. – Author Unknown
Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. – Marilyn Penland
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. – John Wilmot
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it. – Haim Ginott
Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. – William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. – John J. Plomp
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud “snort” noises.) I don’t know why parents don’t do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you’re a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won’t have his friends hanging around your house all the time. – P.J. O’Rourke
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. – Ambrose Bierce
Who is getting more pleasure from this rocking – the baby or me? – Nancy Thayer
24 Things My Mother Taught Me –
- To Appreciate a Job Well Done – “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
- Religion – “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- Time Travel – “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- Logic – “Because I said so, that’s why.”
- More Logic – “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
- Foresight – “Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
- Irony – “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- Osmosis – “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
- Contortionism – “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”
- Stamina – “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone …”
- Weather – “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
- Hypocrisy – “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
- The Circle of Life – “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
- Envy – “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world, who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
- Anticipation – “Just wait until we get home.”
- Receiving – “You are going to get it when you get home!”
- Medical Science – “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
- ESP – “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
- Humour – “When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me.”
- How to Become an Adult – “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
- Genetics – “You’re just like your father.”
- Climate Control – “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
- Wisdom – “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
- Justice – “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
