by Laura C.

I recently had a delightful and thought-provoking meeting with Father Patrick Toohey from the Catholic Archdiocese of Perth. 

During it, he asked me what I thought all relationships require.

The answer? An acronym: T.E.A., which stands for: 

Time, Energy, and Attention — and according to Fr Patrick, these are the three ingredients that every lasting marriage is built on. You can't buy them, fake them, or borrow them. You can only choose to give them. 

 Time — and we never seem to have enough of it 

We fill our calendars to the brim and wear our busyness like a badge of honour — but how unfortunate to be a couple in their later years who look back with regret, not over money or missed holidays, but over ordinary evenings that slipped by when their spouse was right there beside them. 

Giving your spouse your time — genuinely, unhurriedly — is a way of saying "you matter more than my schedule." And it doesn't have to be a grand romantic gesture. It's the morning coffee, the evening walk, no phone at the table. Small things, but they add up to everything. 

Energy — not the scraps we have left over 

Fr Patrick made the point that it's surprisingly easy to give our best selves to colleagues, clients, and acquaintances — and then arrive home and offer our spouse whatever is left over at the end of the day. 

He's not talking about being superhuman. He's talking about being intentional. Even when you're tired, a kind word, a moment of real warmth, a willingness to engage rather than withdraw — these small acts of deliberate love carry so much weight when they come from a genuine place rather than weary habit. 

Attention — truly seeing each other 

Of the three, attention might be the most powerful — and the most neglected. We can be in the same room as someone and be completely elsewhere. Attention is the difference between hearing your spouse and actually listening to them. 

What I loved about how he described this is that it's a form of curiosity — staying interested in who your spouse is becoming, not just who they were when you met. We change. We grow. The couples who thrive are the ones who keep paying attention to each other through all of it. 

The beautiful little secret in the acronym 

Here's the part that made me smile. Fr Patrick pointed out that the letters T, E, and A give you the word: TEA. 

TEA — that simple ritual of sitting down together with a full steaming cup, that forces you to slow down, to be present with one another. When did you last do that without a screen nearby? 

After my conversation with Fr Patrick, I was reminded that the health of a marriage isn't really found in the big milestones — the anniversaries, the celebrations, the grand gestures. It lives in the Tuesday evenings, the ordinary breakfasts, the ten minutes before sleep when you choose to be present rather than distracted. 

Time. Energy. Attention. 

Three simple ingredients. One strong marriage. 

Next time you put the kettle on, let it be a little reminder to ask yourself — am I giving my spouse all three today? 

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Republished with thanks to SmartLoving. Image courtesy of Pexels.