Here are three things I’ve learnt I can control when my toddler’s public tantrum asserts itself.

Long before we became parents, my wife and I often found ourselves deep in conversation about parenting.

It was a subject that came naturally to us — Angie had spent years as a professional nanny, and I’ve always been fascinated by human nature, culture, and the nuts and bolts of daily life.

Our intention was not to be judgmental. But part of the fun was analysing the parenting styles we observed and imagining how we might approach things differently.

Now that we’re parents to two energetic children under two, I often find myself reflecting on those earlier conversations — and it’s been a humbling experience, to say the least.

One of the key insights I’ve gained through actual (as opposed to theoretical) parenting is that parents aren’t quite as responsible for their toddlers’ behaviour as I once assumed.

A practical illustration will suffice: public meltdowns.

Toddler Tantrums

In the past, when I saw toddlers throw tantrums in supermarket aisles, at cafes or on public transport, I would first feel sympathy for the parent… then brainstorm ways I might handle the chaos better.

Well, our daughter has been a toddler for almost a year — and overtly strong-willed for at least the last three months — and all my clever strategies are yet to bear much fruit.

Angie and I have a vast toolkit of carrots and sticks. We teach and reinforce manners, praise good behaviour, distract and redirect, and aren’t afraid to make strategic use of consequences — or bribes — should the need arise.

But it turns out that even this impressive arsenal is no match for a 23-month-old with one thing on her mind and an unwavering resolve to make it happen. And the struggle only intensifies if tiredness or hunger are in the mix.

It is in such moments that I suddenly realise how limited my options are, generally boiling down to the following binary choice:

1. My daughter wins, and I deal with the consequences — which could range anywhere from broken grocery items to big messes to a hospital visit (not to mention the wrong message I’m giving her about who’s in charge).
2. I win, and the scream-crying begins — while the public looks on.

Heads you win, tails I lose.

Three Things I Can Control When the Toddler Takes Charge

My wife has more patience for option one, while I’m more likely to go with option two. But both of us dread the outcome either way.

Maybe we’re missing something. If more experienced parents have some advice, we’re all ears.

In the meantime, I plan to focus on three things I can control:

Number one, eat humble pie. I knew from the start — and Angie and I often said — that parenting would be harder than it looks, and that we wouldn’t have all the answers. We were right about that, even if we were wrong about a lot of other things.

Truth be told, it’s healthy for me to watch some of my well-intentioned theories crumble under the weight of reality. After all, staying curious and teachable might be one of the most useful parenting skills I have.

Number two, see every day as a gift. Our daughter won’t be a toddler for much longer. She can be tough as nails, but she’s also the most adorable little thing on God’s green earth. Before we know it, she’ll be all grown up and we’ll be yearning for these “good old days”.

I want to do more than just survive parenthood — I want to treasure it. While every stage of parenting has its challenges, I’m choosing to notice the magic, not just count the meltdowns.

Number three, give myself grace. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. I’m blessed to be doing it alongside a pro who is also committed to learning and growing along the way. When we feel defeated, we like to remind ourselves that tomorrow’s a new day.

It’s for all of these reasons that I feel confident our kids will ultimately turn out alright — and that I can even let out a quiet chuckle next time my daughter holds me hostage.

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Image courtesy of Unsplash.