Marriages are always stronger when a couple are looking forward to building a better future together by learning from their mistakes, rather than backward-looking and focused on the past failings of the other.

Easter Sunday – the high point of the Christian calendar celebrating Christ’s resurrection from the dead. What does this day, this event, have to teach us as married couples?

In any relationship, especially in marriage, its strength and quality can be measured by the depth and sincerity of the intimacy we share. For any couple to have sustained and vibrant intimacy, one that increases in depth and meaning, proactive investment is required.

Stonewalling – aka ‘the silent treatment’ – is common in many marriages. Never helpful and poorly understood, we ignore it at our risk.

One way that couples can actively build connection and re-establish the excitement of sexual anticipation is through the ‘Connect Kiss’. This simple practice takes a mere 20 seconds a day: ten in the morning and ten in the evening.

Criticism kills. It crushes self-confidence and poisons the trust between us. It also smothers self-growth by directing our energies to the wrong thing – what the other did or said, rather than our internal reaction.

Defensiveness is a self-protective response to a perceived judgement, criticism, rejection, or risk of future disappointment. While it is a natural reaction, ironically, it rarely protects our hearts.

Every engaged couple needs to discern their own path. Downsize, divide, delay, or go deluxe – whatever path they decide in this era of uncertainty, the vows they make on their wedding day will be one thing that stays the same.

Modern relationships are plagued by busyness. And when our relationship is neglected, we often end up arguing during the little time we do spend together. With Valentine’s Day approaching, it’s the perfect opportunity to give the gift of time.

Paul the apostle warned people that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life”. That’s the reality of marriage. Always has been and always will be.

Inherent to the New Year resolution is the idea of becoming a better person. No sane person aspires to drink more or learn how to smoke as a New Year goal. Yet, so many of us fail to create the permanent change in ourselves that we seek. Why is that?

Why then, when we were in lockdown and spending so much more time together at home, were we not seeing improvements in our marital outcomes? We have a couple of theories...  

Bids for Connection can include doing a task the other will appreciate but not expect, a word of affirmation or appreciation. They are simple gestures that are an invitation to move forward together.

Every marriage, ours included, has ‘bad fire seasons’. It’s inevitable; when two people commit their lives to each other and then get busy, tired and stressed, we can only expect trouble.

Good social skills teach us to be other-focussed in our conversation and to be attentive to cues from the other about whether we are engaging their interest.

One of the most important resolutions we can make is to give our marriages and relationships higher priority. The most vital and satisfying marriages are intentional. They don’t leave their relationship to chance, but actively foster habits which deepen their intimacy.

Optimistic couples have learnt that passion and joy in marriage is not always spontaneous but it can be, and needs to be, cultivated. Our hearts long for companionship in both the sorrows and joys of our lives.

Staying married requires a life-long commitment to keep learning. It seems to me that once you think you know it all, you will find you know nothing. Humility is the prerequisite for growth as a person. The same is true for your marriage.

When it comes to nourishing our relationships, doing more is often exactly the wrong thing. Sometimes we need to do less, to retreat so as to advance.

Contempt has been identified as a corrosive relationship pattern among couples headed for bust. An expression of despisal, contempt is the toxic cousin to criticism.