Having your first baby is a massive transition. Suddenly, here is a squalling, scrunch-faced person depending on you for the care and maintenance of their digestive system, not to mention their entire human formation.

Suddenly feeling the substantial weight of this responsibility can cause your husband to retreat to a coping mechanism. My dear spouse came to see us, as I was hospitalised for some days for the monitoring of my blood pressure following pre-eclampsia. Then, after about an hour, he remarked that he was going to pop into the city to consider purchasing a new watch to mark the occasion.

Needless to say, this made me rather upset. Particularly as it was the tail end of the pandemic and my elderly parents overseas were unable to be present for the birth or the postpartum recovery period. I told him how attentive the husband of my roommate was, staying from morning till evening to accompany his wife and (second) child.

He responded that he felt that he wasn’t really needed, as the baby and I spent most of the time asleep, and he sat there “doing nothing”. He did not realise that his presence was a much-needed comfort at this pivotal time of healing and transition.

Milking: A Combined Effort

Finally, after our baby lost too much weight from a difficult night of unsuccessful feeding, an experienced midwife came by to address our son’s latching issues, and taught my husband how to massage the milk out and collect it. This made him feel that he had a practical purpose at the hospital and also made me feel not so alone in my breastfeeding journey. Now, he could feed the baby, too!

My husband expressed how he was slightly envious of my breastfeeding abilities, as he watched the baby suckle contentedly in my arms and felt a little extraneous. However, as he assisted in tending to my changing body, he became an integral part of the process of nourishing our child.

I am glad that we had to use formula to supplement breastfeeding (about one tin a month), as it took the pressure off me to do all the feeds, and allowed my husband to step up and contribute to our baby’s basic needs, bonding with him in the wee hours of the night. My husband let me sleep in on some mornings or nap on Sunday afternoons, which some other mums told me was a rare luxury!

A friend of mine, also a mother, watched his instinctive nurturing embrace of our small son, and started to tear up at the beauty of his blossoming fatherhood. She shared how her husband didn’t know what to do with babies and only really bonded with their children as they matured past the infant stage.

I am grateful to have such a hands-on father as my spouse. I have read about how some mothers gatekeep the care of their babies and criticise their husbands who try to help. Sure, your husband may have different ways of doing things (we had to work out a system to let each other know if the bottles were sterilised or not), but that is part of our complementarity in marriage. Include him in your development as a mother, so that he too may grow as a father and together, you can be the best parents possible for your child.

___

Image courtesy of RDNE Stock Project.