Christmas is almost here! For many parents, this means more than just wrapping presents — it might involve thinking about how our children will process the mix of relatives, relationships, and worldviews that will gather under one roof.

Maybe a cousin has recently begun identifying as “non-binary”, or a newly divorced uncle is dating a girl half his age, or a remarried aunty is bringing her new “wife”.

How do we protect our children’s understanding of family without alienating relatives we care about?

American children’s advocate Katy Faust offers excellent advice in her article “The ‘Talk’ Before the Turkey”, which she originally wrote in the context of American Thanksgiving, but applies just as well at Christmas time.

Faust walks parents through the tough conversations they may need to have with their children using a three-phase model borrowed from the classical trivium: grammar, logic and rhetoric.

This ancient educational structure guides kids through three distinct stages of learning: absorbing facts, analysing ideas and applying understanding. Faust shows how we can share values and truth with our kids in ways that make sense at any stage of their development.

Ages 3–10: Grammar Phase

The grammar phase is all about laying a foundation. Faust writes, “Because young kids are sponges and not critical thinkers, you want to filter out distortions.”

This is the stage to fill your children’s minds with the good, the true, and the beautiful, she explains. Long before the Christmas chaos has begun, this stage calls us to marvel with our children about the world around them — the differences between boys and girls, the wonder of pregnancy, the beauty of marriage, and more.

This stage also requires us to tell our children the truth about what’s wrong, though in small and digestible pieces. Faust provides examples:

“Some people think you can change your sex. But we know that that’s impossible because XX and XY are written into every cell of our body.”

“Some people think two men or two women can get married. But that means kids in that family won’t have a mum or dad. And every kid needs a mum and dad.”

These conversations should happen long before any relatives arrive. Faust emphasises the truth that whoever introduces a topic first becomes the “expert” in the child’s mind. She even offers a pre-holiday script for younger kids:

“Uncle Adam is coming for Thanksgiving. He is bringing his friend James. They think two men can get married instead of a husband and wife. That’s not true, but we love Uncle Adam, and we will be kind.”

Ages 11–14: Logic Phase

By early high school, children naturally begin to question and challenge what they’ve been taught. This is the logic phase, when Faust encourages parents to introduce ideas they’d previously filtered out. “At this stage, you’re making them wise, not worldly,” she writes.

The focus is on equipping children to navigate the complexity of the world without destabilising their beliefs about family and morality. Faust offers a practical framework for talking to kids about sexuality:

“We love people who identify as LGBT, but we disagree on several issues. If you have any questions, let me know.”

At this stage, kids can handle nuance and hold two truths at once: love for people who live in ways they disagree with, and confidence in what they themselves believe. Faust emphasises that this stage isn’t about debating every idea, but about giving children the tools they need to think clearly and wisely.

Ages 15–18: Rhetoric Phase

Senior high schoolers, Faust notes, are resistant to lectures. In the rhetoric phase, the parent’s role shifts from instructor to consultant, inviting reflection with prompts like, “tell me what you’re thinking,” or “how would you respond to that?”

In this stage, teenagers are processing moral and cultural ideas themselves, with parents acting more as sounding boards than instructors. If relatives have expressed views that conflict with your family’s beliefs, ideally, your teens are already equipped to think those differences through on their own. Now, your role is less about correcting in the moment and more about checking in afterwards and helping them reflect on what they saw and heard.

The rhetoric phase is about developing discernment and judgment in your teens and helping them navigate the world confidently without direct intervention in every conversation.

Boundaries and Presence

Katy Faust also emphasises setting boundaries with family before the holiday begins. She makes a clear distinction between presence and promotion — welcoming loved ones without letting them present their worldview as truth to your children. Among the scripts she suggests to use with relatives before the day begins:

“We are excited to have you. We’ve been teaching the kids a particular worldview about men, women, and family, so just to make sure the visit goes smoothly, we’re asking for two things: no PDA and no private conversations with the kids about your relationship or identity. We want our kids to enjoy the holiday without tension or confusion.”

“You are welcome here. But our kids are still young and in a stage where we protect what they’re exposed to. So, you’re welcome as you are, but we’re not going to present your relationship as a marriage. We trust that you’ll respect that.”

During the visit itself, Faust encourages parents — especially those with younger kids — to stay present, gauge their children’s comfort, and absorb any awkward moments. She even offers a few simple deflections parents can use in the moment:

“That’s a great question. Let’s talk about it later with Mum and Dad.”

“You don’t have to answer that — Mum and Dad will explain it later.”

“That’s something our family talks about privately, not in a big group.”

Why It All Matters

Following Faust’s framework, children learn that truth and love can coexist, that boundaries are designed to protect them without isolating them, and that adults they love may hold mistaken beliefs without changing reality.

These lessons aren’t just about Christmas, even though they may come into sharp relief at holiday celebrations. Rather, they prepare kids to navigate a world of competing ideas with confidence, discernment and kindness.

In short, Katy Faust’s encouragement is that we can make sure Christmas is not just joyful, but also formative for our kids — that we can celebrate the season, honour our values, and show our kids that love and truth can share the same room.

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Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels.