I am a single dad with my little girl living with me – one of the very few fortunate dads.

I know this because I have been through it all before, and part of my job is listening to and supporting other men and dads who are less fortunate – and there are many.

Empty Time

I listen to them in the empty time, either when they have taken their kids back after a contact visit or as is often the case while they are struggling to even have that contact.

Some never see their kids again. And I can hear it in their voices and I can see it in their eyes – their love for their children.

Most I see and hear from have some sort of accusation against them, often the first port of call these days from an angry spouse who wishes to deny access to the father.

Now I don’t deny DV, but I do believe it is the minority, not the majority, of dads out there who are doing this.

Sadly, this is the first bit of advice given these days, and it immediately puts dads out of the picture.

Single Dad Struggles

When things go belly up, often, Dad is the one who has to leave the family home. He struggles not just with the fact that his marriage is over but also with the fact that he has lost everything: his spouse, his once-life partner, his kids, his house, other family contacts, friends, struggling to keep his job, and struggling with the empty time. With the way rents are today, many end up living in their cars or even if they are lucky and can afford a little campervan.

Even then, they are denied access because the kids don’t have a bedroom or there is no toilet, and it is classed as unstable. So these dads struggle. They know they have no chance of ever seeing their kids again. If mum has moved on, there is another male on the scene looking after his kids, whom he knows absolutely nothing about and can do nothing about, only hope and pray he is treating his kids okay.

If they are lucky or unlucky, depending on how you see it, they are given supervised contact in a contact centre. Now, normally, there is a waiting list for time, and this can be quite long, months even, and very, very expensive. Not only that, having someone watch over you while you visit your kids is very degrading. Now, I can see that in some cases, this may be needed, but again, not to the extent it is dished out these days.

Can you imagine how hard that is? Can you imagine if it was you? It takes one accusation, unproven, and you are out. Often, you cannot afford a lawyer.

Even if you can, you usually have a massive battle in front of you.

We are Losing Men

Is it any wonder we are losing so many men these days? When I initially entered the battle way back in 99, we were losing five males a day. Today it is around seven. That’s 47 a WEEK.

If we were losing that many soldiers in a war, it would be front-page news. Yet no one wants to talk about it.

Dads are giving up, and why wouldn’t they? Most have lost everything and see no way for the pain to end.

They come to me broken, in tears, and in the empty time.

My job, as I see it, is to keep them alive.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

What have we become, Australia?

There are no winners in divorce or separation, especially our children.

My little girl comes out, says “You’re crying Dad, what’s wrong?” She gives me a cuddle. “I was just writing something sad”, I tell her. She gives me a hug and retreats to her bedroom and phone.

And I thank GOD that I have her with me and remember the battles once fought and lost.

If you are in that empty time and need help, call Dads in Distress on 1300 853437.

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Image via Adobe.