Parents are our first educators because we learn through them how relationships work, and that forms the foundation for our adult relationships. No matter how wonderful our families are, they’re all limited and wounded somehow – it’s part of the human condition. The reality is, we’re being formed from childhood for both good and for trouble.
Every-day offences and deficits in our character make it necessary for every couple to practise mercy as a regular, even daily habit. When we fail to do this, minor upsets accumulate into overwhelming piles of resentment and shame that seem to be insurmountable.
Rightly or wrongly, arguments happen. Whatever the trigger, according to author and therapist Sue Johnson, arguments between lovers are essentially a ‘protest against disconnection’. The subtext of every argument is a question: Do you care about me? Love me? Know me?
As we work more with couples, and get more life experience under our own belt, we’re gaining better insight into why forgiveness is so elusive. Here are some of the reasons why people commonly resist forgiveness.
Is defensiveness crippling your relationship? Do you feel regularly on edge, reactive and punchy? While the intention of our instinctual reaction is to protect ourselves from harm, three things happen in a chronically defended state.
An intentional marriage that is loving and affirming, is a powerful way to heal the wounds of insecure attachment. It’s one of the great graces of marriage as we grow in attachment to each other by providing consistent and responsive care.
Defensiveness is a self-protective response to a perceived judgement, criticism, rejection, or risk of future disappointment. While it is a natural reaction, ironically, it rarely protects our hearts.
Why then, when we were in lockdown and spending so much more time together at home, were we not seeing improvements in our marital outcomes? We have a couple of theories...
Is the easy way always the best way? Or might we be called to something more than what we inherited from our families?
Too many New Year resolutions falter because they fail to address what really needs changing: the internal disposition that compels us into unwanted habits. A few years ago, we received a letter from an irate reader. We were tempted to point out his clear misinterpretation that led him to conclude almost the direct opposite of our intent. But we recognised in his words the wounded heart of a person imprisoned by ...
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