“I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.” If you’ve been in the position of having a friend, parishioner, or family member confide their marriage problems, you’re in the majority – 69% of adult men and 78% of adult women have been there. For priests, we suspect that number reaches 100%.

Unless you’ve had specific training, these situations can be unnerving. We all hate to see loved ones suffering, and while our instinct is to help, knowing what’s genuinely helpful isn’t always obvious.

Through our work in the SmartLoving apostolate, we’ve walked alongside many couples and spouses in distress. This experience has taught us valuable lessons about effective support while working within our limitations.

Understanding Marriage Problems

Marriage difficulties generally fall into two categories that require different approaches:

• Soft Problems arise from relationship neglect, poor communication, or unresolved hurts. All couples face these issues, and while many emerge stronger through their own resources, some get stuck. The loving intervention of a companion or mentor can help these marriages break through the issues via marriage formation, spiritual direction, and prayer ministry.

• Hard Problems include mental health issues, addictions, personality disorders, and abuse. These situations can be like a drowning person – in their panic, they can pull a well-meaning helper under with them. While community-based support remains valuable, professional intervention is essential. Without specialised help, distressed spouses often become dependent on their companions, leading to burnout in their support person, while achieving no forward progress.

Some common warning signs that professional help is needed include threats of harm to self or others, any form of abuse, persistent mental health symptoms, active addictions (e.g. alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography), and infidelity.

Providing Effective Support

Research shows that before divorce, 72% of individuals reach out to family and friends, while only 29% consult therapists and 15% approach clergy. Here’s how to respond effectively when a spouse or a couple seeks your help:

• Listen with Empathy: Troubled marriages are deeply lonely. Your attentive listening is a profound gift. Empathise with their distress without endorsing poor choices or criticising their spouse.

• Consider Both Perspectives: Gently explore the absent spouse’s viewpoint: “I wonder what they might be feeling…” Remember that we never fully know another’s heart.

• Focus on Growth: Recognise the goodness in both spouses and encourage virtue. While sharing your own experiences can offer perspective, keep the focus on their journey. Direct them to appropriate relationship education resources.

• Speak Truth in Love: While being compassionate, stay grounded in Catholic teaching. It’s tempting to soften difficult truths when people are hurting, but this ultimately does them a disservice.

• Build Trust: Maintain confidentiality, seeking advice only with the person’s knowledge. When communities become too open with personal information, it discourages others from seeking help when they need it most.

• Take Small Steps: Help overwhelmed couples focus on immediate, manageable actions. “What’s one small thing you could do in the next 24 hours to move forward?”

The Spiritual Foundation

Christian marriage flourishes through active engagement with God, its designer. Our role as Catholic companions requires us to be faithful to God’s blueprint for marriage, relying on the Holy Spirit to guide our interactions with those in pain.

Leading couples to bring their troubled hearts to the Lord can be transformative. He draws especially close to us in our difficulties. Companions can help those in distress encounter God’s mercy, so praying with them and for them is crucial.

Remember, you’re not alone in this ministry. When someone confides in you – and they will – respond with love and wisdom while recognising your limitations.

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Originally published at SmartLoving.