How do you and your spouse prefer to receive love, and what makes you feel unloved? Here is a quick list to help you boost the quality of your marriage by better understanding one another.

Do you know your love needs and love busters?

Do the quiz below to determine your top five love needs and worst three love busters.

Love Need:

A behaviour or gesture which communicates love to you and helps you feel close and connected to your spouse.

Of the following list, choose the five Love Needs that are most effective in communicating to you that you are loved. That is, if you could only have five Love Needs, and no more, which would you choose?

Cherishment

• Caring for me, being tender and gentle with me
• Being of service to me, doing things for me that I enjoy
• Nurturing me, doting on me
• Affirming my attractiveness
• Being considerate and thoughtful, giving way to my preference
• Being protective of me
• Self-sacrificing to save me from an unpleasant task or reality
• Listening to me, being interested in my inner life
• Trusting me with your feelings and inner thoughts, being emotionally open
• Being truthful and honest with me
• Providing materially for me
• Touching me affectionately, hugs and kisses

Respect

• Expressing appreciation for me
• Acknowledging the sacrifices I make for the sake of our future
• Admiring me, especially in front of others (particularly my friends of the same sex)
• Affirming my strength in body and character
• Trusting my judgement
• Allowing me to initiate and be the leader, being willing to follow me
• Expressing your desire to be close to me sexually
• Doing things together, recreational companionship
• Taking care of your appearance, dressing to please me
• Giving me time to do the things I like to do
• Supporting me domestically, with housework, child care etc.
• Showing an interest in the things that I value

Love Buster:

A behaviour pattern or action which actively undermines your sense of being loved and destroys your trust in your spouse.

Identify the three Love Busters to which you would react most negatively. That is, the three things that totally undermine your sense of being loved.

• Lying to me or withholding information from me
• Breaking promises, being unreliable
• Being emotionally distant or closed, withdrawing emotionally from me
• Not consulting me when making decisions or disregarding my preferences
• Conveying that I am just being ‘tolerated’, that my feelings are not important
• Not talking with me, ignoring me or getting impatient with me when I’m talking
• Organising me, making commitments for me without consultation
• Criticising me, especially in the presence of _____
• ‘Servicing’ me sexually, not enjoying being physically close to me
• Nagging me, reminding me of the things I said I’d do
• Being indifferent to, or not noticing, the sacrifices I make for us
• Letting your physical appearance go, dressing in unappealing ways
• Teasing me, especially in front of _____
• Making negative judgements about me, jumping to conclusions about my motives
• Not trusting that I love you or am committed to you
• Not trusting my judgement, questioning my decisions
• Not spending time with me doing things I enjoy
• Spending a lot of time with your friends

Posts in this Series

• Nature of Love
• Sexual Differences
• Loving Smart
• SmartLoving Keys
• Have You Got a Smart Relationship?

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Originally published at SmartLoving. Photo by Mateus Souza.