When it comes to modern parenting, shame has fallen on hard times.

Honestly? I think that’s a shame.

Shame, when rightly understood, plays an essential role in raising children.

Instinctiveness of Shame

I was reminded of this just yesterday when my almost-two-year-old daughter suddenly clammed up after a bout of bad behaviour.

Squish started playing rough with her toys and then – deliberately – threw one straight at my face.

This kind of thing doesn’t happen often, but when it does, my wife and I make a point of naming the behaviour and requiring an apology.

This time was no different. Squish went quiet, looked away, disengaged – and eventually tried to change the subject.

In a word, she reacted with shame: an instinctive realisation that something was amiss, and that she was the cause of it.

At that point, we could have swooped in with words of comfort, acceptance or validation. Indeed, that’s precisely what many modern parenting manuals would recommend, especially for such a young child.

But we knew better. Shame was doing its work in our daughter and we didn’t want to interrupt such a vital process.

It took quite a few minutes for Squish to say sorry. She began by sitting close to me, then leaning on me, then cuddling me – and finally, the mumbled apology came.

It was a really sweet moment, and I’m so glad we didn’t step in early to subvert it.

Weaponisation of Shame

Be careful of any advice that paints all shame as toxic or harmful. Yes, shame wrongly channelled can erode a child’s confidence and even leave lasting emotional scars.

But when used according to its intended purpose, shame is an incredibly constructive emotion, and a great ally for parents and children alike.

A helpful distinction in rightly understanding shame is the difference between “I did something wrong” and “there’s something wrong with me”. When Squish hit me with her toy, our focus wasn’t on her character but her poor decision in that particular moment.

If parents frame a conversation about their child’s misbehaviour as an evaluation of that child’s personality or identity, it can turn shame into a weapon – and set off a downward emotional spiral. And if weaponised often repeatedly, shame can create harmful patterns that follow a child well into adulthood.

This is a terrible misuse of shame. But the answer isn’t to alleviate your child’s sense of shame by distracting them with “positive” emotions instead. The answer is to use shame correctly.

Don’t Be Ashamed of Shame

Shame isn’t just a weapon — it’s also a signal, like the feeling of pain when we touch a hot stovetop. Shame is how our children learn when they’ve crossed a line. It’s how they discern that certain behaviours aren’t just disliked or hurtful but objectively wrong. It’s how their conscience is formed — their inner moral compass — preparing them for life in the adult world.

If we try to shield our children from all shame, they will miss out on some of the most important lessons in life.

When Squish hugged me and apologised, she was obeying an instruction we had given her. But she was also engaging her heart. She took responsibility for her actions and moved towards me — not because she was afraid, but because she cared.

Shame paved the way for love.

This never would have happened if we’d stepped in to alleviate her sense of shame with a distraction of some kind.

So, don’t be afraid of shame. In your role as a parent, recognise shame for what it is and consider how you can use it according to its purpose to help your child grow.

In time, not only will you be grateful, but your child will thank you too.

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