The gender war is not merely an online spectacle. Its consequences are reshaping families, schools and workplaces, leaving both men and women struggling.

In June, fellow advocate for boys and men, Richard Reeves, president of the American Institute for Boys and Men, published an enlightening piece for the Institute for Family Studies titled, “What Gender War?”

He highlighted the latest data: ordinary men and women are navigating modern life with more economic parity and shared responsibilities than the online shouting matches suggest. Engaged fathers are on the rise in many households. The “gender war”, he implied, is an overblown spectacle fuelled by toxic voices on social media.

I agree with much of the data and optimism Richard presents. More fathers are involved in their children’s lives than in previous generations. Women have more freedom and have made large gains in education and the workforce. Families finding their own balance, rather than top-down mandates, is needed in our modern world.

Yet, I must respectfully disagree that the gender war is confined to digital battlegrounds with little real-world impact. The toxicity has leaked into our institutions, culture, policies, and our daily lives in ways that are reshaping how men and women relate to each other, how boys are raised and treated, how men view themselves, and how girls and women view their own worth.

To suggest the gender war is just toxic individuals online prevents us from facing the reality that the very real battle of the sexes is leading us straight to our doom. I’ve spoken with academics and thought leaders about this issue. They’ve acknowledged that conversations in policy, philanthropy, and academic circles may not fully reflect the struggles playing out in ordinary, working-class communities. That disconnect matters.

I see it in my inbox and in conversations with friends. Women in their thirties who vent “men are trash”, while living with roommates because rent feels impossible and purpose feels elusive. Men tell me they hold back from approaching women, not because they lack interest, but because they fear misinterpretation, cancellation, or not measuring up in a culture that frames masculinity as toxic but still demands traditional expectations of them.

A new report from the Institute for Family Studies, America’s Demoralized Men, Part II: Lost Pathways, Greater Struggles, spotlights the struggles facing young men today. Many unmarried men want to date, yet they struggle to find partners who will go out with them; half report difficulty finding someone willing.

A culture that treats male initiative as predatory doesn’t make dating easier. This idea is fuelled by the gender war and deeply affects how men view themselves. According to the IFS survey, 43% agree that “I am inclined to think that I am a failure.” In the past 30 days, 25% felt lonely all or most of the time; 26% felt isolated; 20% said they seldom or never felt loved or wanted.

When Men and Women Become Rivals

Men tell me they watch promotions go to less-qualified female colleagues under diversity quotas, breeding resentment. Women in their forties confide to me that they delayed children for the “You don’t need a man, be a girlboss” dream, only to face the sharp edge of biology too late. These are common reflections of a deeper fracture caused by the decades-long gender war — that supposedly doesn’t really exist?

Look at education. Young men are a shrinking minority on college campuses, but those on campus are being indoctrinated and silenced for their “privilege”. In K-12 classrooms, typical boy energy is pathologised. Boys are often medicated for normal behaviours because “boys are a problem”, and the system is structured for girls.

We took action when girls lagged behind boys; now we shrug as boys fall behind in reading, graduation rates, and college enrolment. Why? Because maybe “it’s women’s turn.” The gender war fuels our boy crisis that many refuse to acknowledge.

Then there’s the war on womanhood and motherhood that the gender war contributes to. We’ve been told that traditional womanhood is a trap, that prioritising family is “less than,” and that true fulfilment comes from climbing the corporate ladder or building personal brands. Motherhood has been reframed as a “burden” rather than a profound calling.

Culture chants that your body is yours, and your time is better spent on ambition than nurture. Media glorifies the child-free, “cool single girl” while depicting stay-at-home mothers as unfulfilled or regressive. Academia and institutions have amplified narratives that sever women from their biology and pit the sexes against each other in a battle for status, power, and stuff.

I even confronted the reality that the timeline I had trusted was not as flexible as influencers and messaging had promised. Friends tell similar stories: one tried to freeze her eggs in her forties, only to hear from clinic staff that she should have acted years earlier; another built a career, only to cry over the family she realised too late she deeply wanted. These women were sold a compelling but incomplete story, one framing life as a competition between men and women.

The same cultural battle that diminishes motherhood often leaves men without a clear path to purpose. Declining male labour-force participation, rising deaths of despair, and systems that overlook men’s health all point to a society that has, in many ways, told boys and men they are toxic, privileged, or worse, disposable. They’re enemies of women, their health, and their progress.

I’ve spent years on Capitol Hill advocating that “boys and men matter, too.” I was laughed off the hill or dismissed in discussions. Why? Because giving to boys and men would take away from girls and women in their eyes. It’s a zero-sum game and a competition for “who’s suffering more?”

Healing Begins With Honesty

Only recently have figures like Melinda French Gates and some politicians begun directing modest attention toward these issues. That shift is welcome, of course, and I’m grateful for the efforts we’ve all put in — especially Richard’s — but it’s partial and insufficient if we pretend the underlying gender war doesn’t exist, fuelling the issues we wish to address and causing real damage to the working class.

Those who insist the gender war is overblown are often the same voices pushing aggressive “equality” initiatives across every domain, getting more women ahead in education, hiring, media representation and more — without pausing to examine the consequences of putting boys and men on the back burner.

When we frame men as problems to be solved, we erode the natural partnership between the sexes. These perspectives, normalised in society, are a result of the gender war!

When we treat motherhood as optional or secondary, we fuel regret, loneliness, and plummeting birth rates, and bitterness between the sexes.

When we ignore fathers, we fuel disadvantages for the next generation of boys and girls. These aren’t abstract things disconnected from the battle of the sexes. They shape families, mental health outcomes, and communities, and are consequences of the battle of the sexes.

The online toxicity certainly amplifies division — I spend much of my work trying to counter it with compassion and accurate information. But dismissing the conflict as “just online” does real damage. It gaslights people living the aftermath and prevents the honest reckoning our society needs.

The leaders in philanthropy, media, academia, and politics must step outside their echo chambers. Everyday men and women are increasingly becoming ideological combatants. Yes, families are navigating economic pressures and shifting norms the best they can. But the gender war is everywhere.

Men and Women Are on the Same Team

Women crave partnership and purpose alongside ambition. Men need respect, direction, and the dignity of contributing meaningfully. Men have not given up on themselves; they believe the system has given up on them, as the IFS report notes. In fact, 84% say that having ambitious plans for the future describes them at least somewhat well.

Boys need guidance, not medication and shame for being boys. Girls need role models who value both achievement and family. Men and women were never meant to be rivals. We’re on the same team. The breakdown of that natural relationship through cultural messaging, institutional bias, and competition is at the root of many problems we face today: loneliness epidemics, family instability, demographic decline, and young men especially questioning their worth.

Healing begins with honesty. We can celebrate women’s progress without erasing men’s struggles. We can champion fathers doing more, while honouring the unique significance of mothers. We can tell young women the truth about fertility windows and fulfilment without shaming their ambitions and making them bitter. We can raise boys with the same care and high expectations we afford girls.

The gender war is real because its effects are real — in homes, schools, workplaces, and hearts. Pretending otherwise only deepens the wounds. It’s time for clearer eyes, steadier voices, and a commitment to the truth that the gender war does have a real impact, and that both sexes thrive when we value each other as harmonious partners rather than competing enemies.

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Republished with thanks to the Institute for Family Studies. Image courtesy of Pexels.