Electricity flows through connection. When connections fray, a “short-circuit” can happen. Repair the connection, and the power returns.

Living day in, day out together for many years can fray your relationship. Small, delicate “wires” pull apart almost imperceptibly.

How do you restore the “power” and “magnetism” of marriage?

Here are some thoughts I have had to work through myself in my 50 years:

1. Acceptance

Can you continue to accept the person you married? What about their mistakes, failures, personality and secrets you only learn about in marriage? An idealistic view of your spouse kills connection.

The battleground of acceptance is the mind. We hear voices that say, “They’ve changed.  They are not the partner I should have married.  I see that now.” Back away from that cliff. Take their hand and accept them exactly as you ask them to accept you.

2. Honeymooning

The busyness of life frays the connection. We are pulled in opposite directions. We struggle to have deep conversations with kids yelling in the background.

Set up a honeymoon, a “start over.” Take a weekend vacation to re-connect. Drive a couple of hours away, stopping for fun. Let your first conversations be about something other than difficulties. Later in the weekend, calmly talk through your disappointments and a plan to heal them.

My wife Melanie and I used to rent a golf cart in a hilly golf course where we could ride up and down and laugh for a couple of hours! In 48 hours, we re-connected more than in 3 months of intensive therapy.

3. Listening

When we stop listening, we stop connecting. Just sitting and staring deep into the eyes of your spouse as they pour out their frustrations starts to put the wires back together.

Try giving them 15 minutes to air out their heart without interruption. Process what part of their feedback has truth in it. Focus on that.

Develop a plan to restore their confidence in you. Show them that you REALLY are serious about listening… and changing.

4. Isolation 

To plug back in, something else must be unplugged.

Technology, media, and entertainment have their place. When you are trying to reconnect, however, they have NO PLACE. Imagine the interruption a mobile phone call would have been on your honeymoon night!

Get serious about reconnecting. Interruptions and reconnecting don’t go together. Isolate yourselves after the kids go to bed and do nothing but converse without one single notification.

5. Hearts before bodies

Connect your hearts, then your minds, then your bodies. When emotions are gone and conversations are shallow, your sexual life becomes artificial.

If you connect spiritually and mentally, the physical will easily follow. It is a direct reflection of the health of the first two. If there is a problem in the last area, take the time to reconnect heart and mind.

True connection that lasts a lifetime is powerful. It’s what marriage was meant to be.

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Republished with thanks to Larry Stockstill. Image courtesy of Pexels.