We have all no doubt heard the statistics regarding separation and divorce in this country — something like 30% of marriages end in divorce, and a huge number of Australian children are forced to cope with life after marital breakdown.

The typical divorce scenario in Australia today is that mum gets custody of the children and dad (hopefully) gets access and an obligation to pay Child Support. Children from broken marriages are therefore most likely to find themselves facing a life without the ongoing, day-to-day involvement of their own personal father figure and male role model.

Finding Your Way

Dads4Kids has already noted the various effects on children of ‘fatherlessness’ and the absence of positive male role models — poverty, lower performance at school, increase in crime, potential drug abuse, a cost to the economy of $3.5 billion per annum, but to name a few.

With respect to step-parenting, then, if one or both parents re-marry, children from broken marriages are most likely to end up living with a stepfather, and having occasional contact with a stepmother.

In my view, a stepfather is uniquely placed to play a major role in children’s lives. But what exactly is that role? Should the kids call you “dad” or use your given name? Should you be involved in discipline? How do the finances work — are you expected to contribute to their basic needs or just buy ice cream once in a while? Can you set boundaries? Where do you draw the line?

These are all questions that confronted me when I became a stepfather just 8 months ago. My biggest hurdle by far was (and still is) trying to figure out exactly what my role is. I have always been conscious of not over-stepping the mark and being seen as trying to take over from the kid’s real father. I was tending to hold back from giving the kids my total attention and involvement. I was stopping myself short of loving them.

Chosen for This

A friend of my wife’s, however, offered the following advice which I found very helpful. She said:

“Don’t stress about overstepping the mark or subsuming the biological father’s role, as this will only give the kids two half-involved dads. The kid’s father cannot be there for them every day, so it’s now your job to fill in.”

She said:

“My advice is to treat the kids as 100% yours — what they need is a day-to-day 100% committed and involved father figure, and you are the only one who can provide that.”

She reminded me that my wife chose me not only to be her husband, but also to be the stepfather of her children, and that not only did I have a right, but I had an absolute responsibility not to hold back — for the kid’s sake.

Strangely, I have found I can do all this and still ensure that the kids don’t see me as some kind of intruder who took over and tried to push their father out of the picture.

Step-fathering isn’t easy. There are challenges and issues to be dealt with every day. But for the sake of the children — hers — mine — ours — it is important to get it right. Below are a few web URLs for step-parenting sites that readers might find interesting:

• Stepfamilies Australia
• National Stepfamily Resource Centre
• “The Effective Stepfather — A Checklist to Live By“, The Daily Dad
• “How to Be a Better Step Parent“, Life Supports Counselling
• “The Guide to Smart Step-parenting“, Focus on the Family
• “5 Ways to Be a Great Step-Dad“, All Pro Dad

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Photo by RODNAE Productions.